I started a podcast, then applied for a job.
I haven’t applied for a job in more than 5 years. What the hell am I doing?
I started a podcast and applied for a job through LinkedIn.
Those are two things I wouldn’t normally plan to do in the span of a couple of weeks. But last month, my working relationship with a long-term client concluded and my income was essentially cut in half.
The spiritual-side of myself sees the value of a transition and a break from the extra mental load, that the timing of this came unexpectedly but swiftly to clear room for myself to breathe and relax and get back to my art.
But the very human, wounded-writer-side of myself is freaking the hell out.
Someone, with very little thought or plan, I launched a podcast here on Substack as well as my YouTube channel. The YouTube channel is actually my SECOND attempt at being a content creator.
At the top of 2020, I started vlogging on another channel with every intention to film parts of my life and my thoughts and my adventures with my creative friends and the like. You see where this is going, right?
I didn’t want to be a sit-down, talking head kind of a creator. But the pandemic forced us all inside, and I kept up with blogging through the first few months of the pandemic.
Honestly, I’m considering lifting those old vlogs to repurpose into a personal video essay on my new channel. I’ve been thinking about that since the end of last year, so hopefully I will get around to that sooner or later…
Here are some of the thoughts I’ve had since starting my podcast:
“What if I don’t have what it takes to be a creator?”
“What is a creator or content creator, really?”
“Should I have a business plan and niche down (oh god, I don’t want to do that nonsense all over again)?”
“What if I get a corporate job? Does that mean the last 5 plus years have been a waste?”
“If I let go of this idea about making it online with my writing or whatever I create, why does it feel like I would also feel less special?”
“Should I be doing any of this at all?”
“Who the fuck am I to be doing this, to be sharing my thoughts on internet culture, the creator economy and community, our relationships to social media and content and the digital landscape?”
“Am I even qualified for a traditional job at this point?”
“Am I even qualified to be a creator?”
To be entirely fair to myself, I am qualified and I have been working a job outside of gig-work and client work the past few years. I’ve been working with a hybrid publisher since I was an intern, working my way into a Developmental Editor position, then the current role I have overseeing communication with Authors post-production and coaching them through the marketing process ahead of their book launch.
So, the job thing. I need another gig or source of income and while I have grand desires for my Substack to be flooded with paid subscriptions, brands wanting to do sponsorships for my podcast/YouTube channel, and a sustainable but lively audience…
I haven’t looked at my resume in years, but after lurking at job listings on LinkedIn for a couple of weeks, I slapped something together and used ChatGPT to help me write a cover letter, and filled out the application for a company in my area.
The craziest thing is now I have a phone interview on Monday.
I don’t know if anything will but what I do know is I’m very much enticed by the idea of letting go of urgency, tension, stress, and anxiety around my creativity, my art, my whatever and needing it to do something, to make something, to already be somewhere I haven’t worked for just yet…
And believe me, I’ve tried to do the Doordash and Instacart Shopper thing for extra cash but every time I thing it’s ready for me to go and run an order, something literally prevents me from moving forward.
Maybe it’s a sign from the Universe to chill out, to slow down, to focus and not let the mental loop run away with my anxiety so much.
It’s just a weird season.
I don’t want to stop trying, but I am definitely beating myself up a bit. However, I am still trying, through temper tantrums, through fear, through personal shame, through the wounded child and the wounded writer.
Anyway, how’s your April going so far?
If you want to check out my podcast “sure, it’s a podcast” you can do so right here on my Substack or visit my YouTube Channel linked below