I hurt my mom’s feelings this morning

I hadn’t even had my coffee yet. Not necessarily an excuse but a recipe for extra crankiness.

My mother is a wonderful, funny, compassionate, loving woman. I love my mom. We are so much alike, so much ourselves, it can be beautiful and synergistic—but it can also cause some friction.

My mom texted me this morning about something, but there was one phrase in her text that got under my skin:

“No need to text back if asleep.”

I hated this comment. It was 10 am on a Friday. Yes I work from home and set my own schedule. Yes I can sleep in on days I need to or I can afford it. But I’m not always asleep till noon.

The comment probably wouldn’t have bothered me as much had she not made another comment the other day when she texted me at almost 1 pm that I can call her later if I was still sleeping.

Since high school, I have always struggled to varying degrees with my sleep cycle. I find it difficult to fall asleep most nights, I usually can’t fall asleep until 1 or 2 or 3 am, sometimes I will stay up all night just to fall asleep at 9 am.

As a child, I would always sleep in a bit on weekends or during summer vacation. I remember my grandparents wondering aloud if I was ever going to get out of bed in the mornings when I stayed over. Granted they had been awake since 4 am, and I was laying in bed drifting back to sleep off and on between 8 and 10 am.

Getting up “early” has just not been a sustainable, practical thing for me, and I will become sleep deprived after so many days because of my challenges falling asleep no matter how tired I am.

My mom is aware of my sleep habits, and in all honesty, I know she was just being mindful and playful in her comments.

But it just bothered me. I don’t want to be perceived as lazy or an oversleeper or someone who is just asleep until the afternoon every day.

So I replied to her text this morning, with the previous comment already bugging me and with no caffeine in my system:

“Quit freaking adding a qualifying statement about whether or not I’m asleep or I’m gonna scream.”

Yeah, it’s pretty mean. And I can be super mean and bitchy in the morning when I’m first shaking off sleep.

It’s not something I like about myself and some of it feels out of my control because I’m not fully awake in my mind and body yet.

She said she was sorry, and I knew I hurt her feelings.

It’s taken me many years to get to the point of recognizing when I’ve fucked up. It’s taken until the last couple of years to get the nerve to actually apologize and humble myself when I do.

I did tell her I was sorry and I could have said it much nicer. I didn’t mean to be mean. And usually, I don’t mean to be mean.

I know why her comments bothered me and that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with how I feel about myself.

There was definitely a better way for me to express myself and set a boundary, and I know this.

I just need to take a second before responding to anything in a moment when I’m not ready or fully awake in myself. Thankfully, my mom is pretty forgiving.