December Journal 2024

It's all looking a bit melodramatic

Wednesday, December 11th - Sometime around 9pm
Yup. There it is. The idea I’ve been looking for, the smart little “ah-ha, that’s what will work” that has eluded me for what feels like centuries. Just write like how I write in secret. That’s the ticket!

Thursday, December 12th - 5:39pm
I wish I would have noticed my coffee cup had tipped over before it all poured itself on the floorboard of my van. I must have disturbed it where it sat as I reached for my purse at the red light. It’s a shame, but I don’t have time to pull through a drive thru.

I’m already running a bit behind for my morning shift at my part time job. There’s mercy in a vending machine I pass on the way in, a $4 Starbucks coffee energy drink thing in a tall-boy can. It’s fine. This is fine.

So much for saving money by bringing coffee from home. I’ll try again on Saturday when I work next.

Work was easy but a sinus set in as my eyes watered and my nose dripped. He texts me: I hope I didn’t get you sick.

I reply: I made myself sick.

I haven’t wanted to slow down, I just want things to be better already. It’s not all bad, it’s just not where I’d like to be. I’m fighting with the Restlessness.

Oh, I haven’t called on that in a while. Yes, the unpublished essay is quietly waiting for me in the digital cloud. I should do something with that.

Thursday, December 19th - 5:30pm
I think I want to quit everything. Quit my part-time job, quit my job in publishing, leave the industry entirely. I think I want to quit chasing the half-baked idea of getting paid to write—freelance, content writing, copywriting, whatever. I want to quit looking at LinkedIn trying to decrypt job postings, feeling inadequate and unquantified in my skill set.

I want to quit. Pack it away. Be done with it. I’m tired of carrying these ideas and partial hopes around with me everywhere.

I want to rid myself of it. The courses, the cohorts, the masterminds, the digital products, the side hustles, the blueprints to getting your first high paying client. All of these things are just so bland, dull, anticlimactic, unsexy, unexciting.

I’m bored of this.

Still Thursday, December 19th - now 6:57pm
If I have to constantly have Gilmore Girls running in the background to make it through work and the evenings, so fucking be it.

If I never have to send an email again, it would be too soon.

If I could stop being so angry at everyone and myself, I would collapse in the vacuum of a dying star.

This Christmas blows.

Monday, December 23rd - Christmas Eve Eve and the Festivus Pub Crawl
I have some sort of alcohol intolerance as well as a non-existent tolerance. Basically, very little alcohol will get me a bit white girl wasted. By the end of the night, I just want to hug my girlfriend who I love so much and I have to keep myself from bursting into tears at the bar.

It was a good time.

Friday, December 27th - 11:57am
There doesn’t seem to be room for me—to be overwhelmed and anxious, to be happy and excited for the future. Holding my peace today is challenging and I am angry and agitated.

A colleague told me before the holiday she hopes I get to do something fun and creative just for myself. Honestly, the idea of it made me angry. Not at her but the frustration that my first thought was, I don’t want to do anything fun and I can’t even fathom being creative right now.

I have felt myself drowning in it all the last few months—work, life, finances. How the fuck am I supposed want to do anything fun when I know I have emails from weeks ago that still need addressing, that I have people expecting something from me, that I have gotten no credit for all the labor I gave practically for free up until a few months ago.

I’m just stewing. I’m just cranky. I just want to feel better, and no amount of someone telling me it’s okay or that they want to help will fix anything. I only wish to breathe deeply without someone looking over my shoulder, waiting for my response or action.

Anyway, I did end up doing something creative and a little fun. I made a calendar and a 2025 Bingo Card for myself.

I made the calendar because every planner book at Office Depot and Books a Million are just not what I want.

I made the Bingo Card because the manifestation girlies on TikTok were also making them and I thought it would be fun to try since I’ve never gotten my shit together enough for a true vision board.

If you want to use these templates, have at it. I did only make the calendar January through March for now, but I’ll probably flesh out the rest later. There’s a link to them here on Canva: 2025 Bingo and Jan-Mar Template