Once again, I feel a bit of guilt or shame for not accomplishing the thing, for not being productive about the thing.
But this time, I have a very credible excuse: I’ve been busy with work.
Like, stupid busy.
Despite the longer work days the past couple of weeks, I am enjoying work thoroughly (even when I’m super frustrated) and I am—dare I say—impressed with how I have been diving into my work.
Up until a few months ago, I was working on multiple gigs, but after concluding my working relationship with a long-time client, I’ve held one “job.” My role at the publishing house I’ve been a part of since I interned during college has expanded in that time, and I’m learning to exercise more confidence and authority in what I do.
To put it plainly, I help oversee production and am responsible for all pre-launch activities for a book. And I’m the point of contact at the publisher for our authors through the life of their books. I do a lot of middle-manning.
Even with a valid, obvious reason for my bandwidth maxed out, I still feel weird not doing the thing and writing something or making another episode of my podcast already for crying out loud.
Recently, I had one of those thoughts that are profound and have the potential to shift your entire perspective but it is also quite and subtle and honestly, not all that groundbreaking.
What if I don’t want or need my writing, my craft, my art to be the thing to make me money or make me internet famous or make me noticeable?
What if my creativity is spent simply out of pleasure and soulful necessity, not a grind to hold myself against and weigh me down?
Simple, subtle, obvious, but an “ah-ha” moment nonetheless.
And that is the next magic trick to master, isn’t it?
Untangingly my mind from the deep-rooted conditions I picked up over the years from the tribes of people online telling me I can do it too and I have to want it more than they do and if you have something you enjoy doing, you’re a fool not to exploit it and yourself.
Not that there is anything wrong with the wanting or the pursuing or the aspiring or the achieving like others do.
But I also don’t have to.
